Don't you just feel silly when you have a crush? Especially when it's someone you know you not only do not have any kind of chance with, but you also don't really want to actually be with...but do...but don't... I don't know. Crushes are silly and they're supposed to be fun but not when I'm this irsty.And crushes are not fun when you get, you know... crushed, by them.
I just feel silly thinking about someone and KNOWING he's never even thought of me when he's not in my presence.
It's just so SILLY. That I'm so... ugh, you know, so seventh-grade, love-of-my-middle-school-life crush-y.
It's silly.
And yet here I am...listening to sad music...and being silly. And it sucks.
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Blue Wednesday
October 26th, 2005, 8:37 p.m.
I am blue.
This is partly due to the fact that I've come to realize my latest crush...not going to happen.
I need to go listen to some Cher to get me through these hard times.
But on a more serious note... things suck.
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Lazy and Guilty
October 24th, 2005, 8:22 p.m.
I have to work a bunch of extra hours this week, so I didn't feel too guilty when I got in bed at about 4:00, just to close my eyes for a few minutes...
But I did feel kind of guilty when I woke up, FOUR HOURS LATER. Damn. Looks like another night where I'm up watching infomercials until 2AM.
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Freezing Friday
October 21st, 2005, 4:14 p.m.
Happy Friday to all. It's freezing. I was out ticketing cars in the freezing cold early this morning...I'm almost certain I got sick from it. And then I played tennis outdoors for well over a half an hour. And now, I'm pretty sure it's colder in my home than it is outside. So, in short, I'm fucking freezing.
Jamie's coming over in a bit. I think I shall make some cookies and order a pizza later on. I'm trying to decide if I miss the days where I felt like going out every day and night, or if I'm just fondly recalling them, or both. I don't know. I sound like such a grumpy old lady lately is all I know.
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Craziness
October 20th, 2005, 9:19 p.m.
What's really crazy is that a week from Tuesday... is November.
But what's even crazier is that that means that a week from Monday... is Halloween!
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Quoted
October 19th, 2005, 3:29 p.m.
Oh, I was feeling so good just now. I've had the glorious honor of being quoted! And then, I spilled Diet Coke in my keyboard. Ah, such are the ups and downs of life.
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Other Things I Forgot To Write
October 18th, 2005, 11:16 p.m.
1. This morning, while I looked tired and my worst, someone called me "striking." It was quite an ego boost for the day, although later I wondered if they meant "bitchy." I've concluded, however, that it must be The Walk, if I do, in fact, have that Confident Walk my friends have told me about.
2. I am so freaking nervous about my movie performance. First of all, I know I'm going to suck, seeing as I have never acted before and just generally tend to suck at most of the things I do. Second of all, I look like shit on camera (a direct result of looking like shit in person) and I'm going to aesthetically ruin the movie. Because of this, I'm kind of the only one in the cast freaking out about wardrobe, and what I'm going to wear, and being thankful that I play a professional person who will just wear a suit and sit behind a desk (as opposed to my poor castmates who had to wear bathing suits today).
3. I heard two really funny jokes in the past two days. One is silly; one is dirty. So if you need a joke, you know who to ask.
4. When it comes to certain schoolwork, I'm a lazy bum, but not because I want to be - it's because of spite. That's right. I know in the end it won't benefit me, but in the end I also really don't care as much as I care about the principle of the thing.
5. Wow, way too much entry writing for one night.
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PS
October 18th, 2005, 6:51 p.m.
It is so weird that I just spent the whole afternoon with my friends and now I'm just remembering all the stuff I wanted to tell them. When we don't see each other for a long time (like, 3 days or so. Hey, it's long for us) there's so much I mean to tell them but forget because there's too much.
This is why when we go out to dinner we need to start organizing our thoughts before we sit down, so that everyone can get their stories so we can talk like civilized people without interrupting to go, "OOH, OOOH, I forgot to tell you the epiphany I had!"
WHICH REMINDS ME - I found out today, that, ALLEGEDLY, the people at the restaurant we go to all the time? Think we're weird, and hate us. I mean, I saw that one coming, but now...now we have to go even more!
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Titles...Who Needs 'Em
October 18th, 2005, 6:33 p.m.
Right now, I'm a little torn between feeling fine and feeling like a horribly horrible bitch. But, whatever.
Today, the entire movie cast FINALLY got together. (Every other day I couldn't make it.) We shot about a scene and a half, which was good considering the time restraint. I was the designated director for the day, although usually, we usually all end up putting in our input for a scene. Which I feel is a good thing. Anyway, the scene was quick and went well, despite the fall foliage in the background and the fact that the movie takes place in summer. In other movie news, our shirts printed with the production company name, the movie title, and the tagline are being shipped! Hopefully, they'll arrive sometime this week, and then we can all parade around in them and have a good time. Also hopefully, they will look nice.
Friday might be shooting, and it might not be, and it might be "Little Shop Of Horrors" night at my house. Or nothing. I don't know. I'm very tired right now, and I have work to do (an unpleasant change of pace), and I'm hungry. So I'm going to go eat dinner and do what I have to do and go to sleep. But first I'll probably sit around some more.
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A Brief History Of The Free Internet
2005-10-16, 10:16 p.m.
A long time ago, I was blissfully unaware of the fact that I had to pay for the internet. My parents had always provided internet service - how was I to know it cost them $25 a month? I just went along for the ride. Years later, I got my own computer - completely crappy, but still provided slow, slow internet service. So I was never on much. And, THEN - I got my laptop. I was able to go online! By myself! My very own internet! I installed free Juno, as I had done on my crappy old computer of my own, and was very happy signing online every day for hours and using free e-mail. And then, one day... I gleefully opened up my internet service provider, anxious to sign onto the glorious place called the world wide web... when a message flashed up, stopping where I sat. "YOU'RE FREE HOURS ARE UP! PLEASE CALL CUSTOMER SERVICE TO SIGN UP FOR JUNO SERVICE." My jaw dropped. My heart stopped. Free hours... over? Done? My past had finally caught up to me. Years of freeloading...and now, I had to pay. Literally.
Desperate for a taste of that drug that was the online world, I scoured every surface of my home for something to cure my ill. "I know that 'Free month of AOL' disk is around here somewhere!" Received in the mail, free from stores, I had tossed these disks aside as if they were nothing. Sure, they were nothing to me before; but now, in this new world of mine, their value had skyrocketed - they were gold. I found one, installed it, and a month later, was struck with panic. My month is up! Oh, my! WHY?! I called AOL to cancel, insuring I wouldn't be charged their horrendous charges, when the charming voice of the telephone worker told me that he would give me one more free month. Oh, happy day!
There was one fault in this plan, however: I didn't not like AOL. It was slow, full of things I didn't need. For broadband, DSL, cable - sure, it's fine. But for little old dial up? It was not a friend. And yet, month after month, I would call to cancel and, would somehow, hang up the phone with a grin and another free month of internet service in my back pocket. Until one day...
While this was going on, I had still been using free Juno e-mail. Juno, I like. Juno works for me. Juno is a friend of dial-up. One day, a spectacular deal turned up - $7 a month for a year! I could not resist. Faced with temptation of unlimited internet that I liked; faced with having to pay $7 a month for a year. I was an internet-subscribing virgin. I said... "oh, screw it." Timidly, I signed up. I knew my free AOL days were numbered. And sure enough...
I believe it was a cold December day when I hung up with my last AOL associate. He had not given into my kind customer ways, and instead was a smart employee and said, "Well, it doesn't seem I can give you another free month, so..." I understood - and I was okay. And when I hung up that phone, I felt as if I had just ended a relationship. But I was okay - I had my new boyfriend, Juno, to console me. And for months, we lived peacefully together. UNTIL...
My laptop crapped out about a year after I bought it. It was still usable, but not very functional. In August, I got this new computer. Fabulous. Wonderful. Juno, this computer, and I became fast friends. I was still paying, and Juno... ooh baby, he was still putting out. But, then an icon on my shiny new desktop caught my eye... could it be... is it...?
It WAS!
Free AOL for 90 days. Oh... should I... could I? The temptation was too great, and I gave in like a virgin on her wedding night. I chatted on IM for those 90 days, enjoying it but somehow longing for the day I could call and cancel. And yet...secretly lusting for it. I guess you could say that with Juno, I have a healthy relationship. When I wasn't paying, Juno didn't want to give anything either. But when I paid, Juno was glad to give to me as well. AOL, though... I hate it. It treats me bad. We fight all the time. And yet... it lures me back in with it's glittering phrases and promises of free time. "Just love me, baby," it says, "And I'll give you whatever you want." But, I hate you! I silently scream in my head. Today was the day my 90 days were up. After hating the living daylights out of AOL when briefly believing it had already charged me, and hating it very much when it would not let me load any kind of my information... I was furious. I called to cancel, after finally finding the number. After going past the freaky computers that know everything about me, I finally talked to a person. And she said, "Well... you know that you won't be billed until December 16th, right?"
I was aghast! How -- why? But, oh, YES! I thanked her profusely after her business spiel, but now am declaring to break up with AOL, once and for all, by December 16th. I will not take any more of this abuse! I do not deserve this! All I want is love!
And so, when the time comes in a month or so, I'll renew my subscription to Juno and continue to give in order to recieve, rather than be a cheap whore and take any more of this AOL abuse.
And that's my brief history of free internet service.
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I Forgot To Mention
October 13th, 2005, 12:19 p.m.
OH MY GOD. THEY KILLED LUIS ON PASSIONS.
WHY?!
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Stress and Movie Making
October 12th, 2005, 9:00 p.m.
Oh man. Out of all the days of filming this movie's had, I've only been to one. I've been to quite a number of "business meetings" -- all of them, I believe. But, I still haven't met one of the other four people in the cast, and I've missed every day of shooting but the first. I feel like that big network executive who doesn't care about the heart and passion of the movie making, just money money money, while sitting at my big oak desk and smoking a cigar and drinking brandy. Only less rich and glamorous.
For now, though, I'm quite consumed in Windows Movie Maker, along with my own personal guilt and angst. But that's another story.
In addition, I have a rather unfortunate source of being disgusted. This guy in one of my classes apparently thought I was a lovely, charming lady and asked me out last week, and now WILL NOT GET THE HINT that, um, NO.
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Dirty Secret
October 11th, 2005, 9:11 p.m.
In addition to about half the soundtrack from Rent, I added Britney Spears' Greatest Hits CD to my iTunes the other night, figuring we'd all get a good chuckle out of listening to the oldies such as "Baby One More Time," "Oops!...I Did It Again," and "Lucky." But it took an unexpected turn, and now, "My Prerogative" is quickly climing the Most Played list. Oh my.
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Hate Is Bad
October 7th, 2005, 6:36 p.m.
If there's one thing I hate more than making someone feel bad, being boring, and being an emotional time bomb waiting to go off, it's being that friend who you have to tiptoe around so they won't ruin your good time.
That'll make you feel unbelievable amounts of horrible about yourself in a time where you really, really don't need any more reason to hate yourself.
I feel like I take and take, and I never give back.
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Chalking It Up
October 6th, 2005, 12:05 a.m.
First and foremost, I wonder if anyone is reading this. Probably not.
Second of all, I need a plan.
We've been doing a lot of future talk lately and tonight when I was telling Jamie on the phone that tomorrow I was going to devise a budget for myself, I realized...
I need a plan. That's what I need.
Now, I know that sounds like when we're at the pool hall, and we're doing horribly, and we say, "Some chalk, is what I need. That's why I suck. I don't have any chalk. Chalk it up, baby."
So now, I would like to present to you a plan entitled: Chalking It Up.
Chalking It Up is a REALISTIC approach to mapping out the next few years of my life. Not, "maybe if I win the lottery, here's what I'll do..." Nothing like that. Realism. This is a plan for a plan, if you will. The reason I need this plan for a plan to be official is because I feel it will be a be a continuous process. It can't just happen while I have nothing to do in between classes. It can start there, but it will probably be many nights of deep conversations and online research.
So, soon I would like to commense my Chalking It Up so I can have some sort of a plan. Because right now, as Pheobe on Friends once said, "I don't even have a 'pl'."
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Quickie Update
October 5th, 2005, 10:34 p.m.
I love Robbie Cano.
I need to stop playing The Sims. Seriously, all I did on my two days off. And it was good. But I must be stopped.
AOL? Sucks.
Halloween? So soon I can taste it. I'm getting very excited. Hopefully, Halloween shopping will be soon, and Halloween planning has already commensed. We have big plans for costumes. And movies. Big plans.
I've just accepted the fact that I'm not going to fall asleep until late tonight, factoring that I woke up late this morning and the Yankees are on late tonight. I've accepted this. Because I am to lazy to fight it.
Last weekend, I saw myself on videotape. It has been haunting me. I just look...so...bad. Horrifying. And my voice! Oh, I didn't know I sounded like that. Horrible. Oh, I can't even think about it.
I miss my friends terribly.
I can't figure out what the fuck the weather is doing.
I need to go take a shower now.
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The Old Journal
October 4th, 2005, 2:35 p.m.
I was back at the old journal because I found how to do that "random entry" thing, so I put a link up both on this page and that one. And then, I was using it. And I've read a great deal of my old entries. Some make me smile and some make me cringe. And some confuse me. And some make me think I'm an idiot. For example, on one Christmas, I wrote this: "Happy Birthday to my man, Jesus. Much props, much love."
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How I Long For Sue....Among Other Things
October 2nd, 2005, 9:19 p.m.
I am so in the mood to just fart around and watch movies all day in my pajamas. How I miss the days where Jamie and I would lay around all day, watching Lifetime and everything. How I miss the nights where Laura and I would dress up funkily and take pictures. How I miss the afternoons of lunching and lounging. How I miss the...ah, I've run out of parts of the day.
I've realized today that in the past month or so I've been limited to the music that I have on this computer. There's a whole other world on my broken laptop of Billy Joel and Queen and "Boogie Shoes." I will have to get on that on one of my upcoming days off. Although, I am supposed to go car-shopping. But I don't think I'm quite ready for that, emotionally or financially.
Oh, and most of all...how I miss the late nights watching Sue. Our dear friend Sue, on the TV, teaching us all sorts of things. We would shout things like, "Did you know that? I didn't know that!" while eating donuts and painting. I miss my friends. A few hours on the weekend simply is not enough. We used to go WEEKS of seeing each other practically every day, for many hours. And now evil forces separate us... work... school... WHY, I ask, why?
I'm am just going on about nothing in particular at this point.
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DAMN IT
October 1st, 2005, 10:24 p.m.
My brand new leopard print throw blanket that I got for free that I love, love, LOVE...is now RUINED. And I'm really sad. Like, really sad. I think I'm overreacting, but fuck! Come on.
Apparently, I just let everything in my life get completely fucked up.
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P.S.
October 1st, 2005, 9:49 p.m.
By the way, I need to stop spending money like I do. Right now, I have 27 cents in my wallet. I kind of like the whole "it's on me" dealie we've being doing the past couple of weeks, but for some reason my wallet is still taking hits. I mean, we left pennies as a tip last night. Because that's all we had. That's a low point.
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Go Yankees...I Can't Think Of Another Title
October 1st, 2005, 9:40 p.m.
I had kind of a hard day. Work was alright and passed quickly, especially when news came that the Yankees freaking WON, baby! But still, work was work and that was that. Then on the drive home, I'm not going into details but let's just say I cried like a baby the whole ride. No tears, just hysterical, loud sobs. I'm just so petrified of driving now. After everything, I wasn't really "scared" of driving, just nervous, but lately I have just been so scared and panicking as soon as I start to drive. I wish this would just all go away.
So, tonight I didn't do much but celebrate the Yankees' victorious victory and listen to music and cut my own hair. I got my hair trimmed the other day because of all my nasty split ends (attractive, no?) but the lady who cuts my hair didn't really cut too much of the front. So I started, and now I just can't stop, because it's sort of fun. Aaaannndd... I'm a freak.
Go Yankees.
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A Pirate Walks Into A Bar...
October 1st, 2005, 12:03 a.m.
Somehow, the combination of food, caffienated drinks, and sugar cause us to be drunkenly silly and bizarre. We laugh and sing weird things and tell bad jokes about pirates and cows. One day we're going to get thrown out of our favorite restaurant for being so loud. I think we were very close tonight, seeing as we went once, were loud, returned about an hour later, and were loud and silly. Come to think of it, there was also a lot of thrashing about. Ah, Friday nights.
Today was nice and easy. Woke up late, got home early, went out and saw my friends, sang some karaoke, ate some soup (kind of) and cake and pie and coffee, played some pool. And Jamie won the other game I played against her, but maybe that's because of her self-declared "buns of steel." Now I am home listening to my Pumping Up playlists, volumes one and two. And I don't want to go to work tomorrow. Oh, how I don't want to go to work tomorrow. But -- two days of work, one day of school, and then... a rare occurance... TWO DAYS OFF. Fabulous.
And woah, I'm still trying to figure out the planets... My Very Educated Mother Just Bought Nine Pies... no, that's not right...
Oh, and me and Laura's karaoke verson of "Total Eclipse Of The Heart" is where it's at. (Unfortunately, we're the only ones who think so. Since we were the only ones who heard it. In her living room. Twice.)
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